Just Once
by Kimberly-A
Summary: Dan wants to have Phil just once.


**Author's Note:** Did I just write two fics in one day? This started out as a companion piece to this morning's fic, "The Condom Conversation," but turned way more serious, angsty, and smutty.

* * *

 **Just Once**

If Dan hadn't been so drunk, he never would have gotten up the nerve to kiss Phil, but here they were, grappling desperately in the dimly lit hallway of their flat, panting into each other's mouths, unbuckling belts and toeing off their shoes as quickly as they could manage.

They'd been at a party celebrating Louise's latest subscriber milestone, and Dan had been feeling sorry for himself, watching Phil flirt with some guy Dan didn't even recognize, and he'd drunk probably more than was good for him, but it had loosened his inhibitions enough to lead to this, so he couldn't be sorry.

"Bedroom," Phil growled, dropping his coat on the floor and just leaving it there, tearing off his t-shirt and discarding that carelessly as well. Phil's hair was ruffled and his eyes were dark, pupils dilated to nearly hide the pale irises. Dan swallowed, eyes roaming the bared skin of Phil's chest and then his luminescent back as he turned to walk away. Dan followed of course.

Phil seemed remarkably steady, steadier than Dan felt, as he stripped off the rest of his clothes in the center of his bedroom. Dan was hurrying to catch up, pulling his t-shirt over his head and hoping that he looked half as good as Phil did standing there waiting for him. Phil was naked now, Dan in nothing but his jeans, and Phil strode forward to reinitiate the kiss, reaching his hands down to help with Dan's button and zip, then pushing the jeans off Dan's hips and taking his boxers with them, running his hands along the bared skin of Dan's butt as he did so. Dan's skin tingled at the touch, every hair on his body standing at attention, not to mention his cock, which was so hard already that it was aching.

With a bit of awkward maneuvering, Dan got the skinny jeans off and kicked them onto the floor and they were suddenly skin-on-skin, both completely bare and naked to each other's roaming hands. Phil pressed close and ran his hands down Dan's back, slowly returning to his ass, which he squeezed gently and then used as leverage to pull Dan's pelvis closer to his own, causing their cocks to press together and drawing a groan from Dan's throat.

Phil somehow got Dan onto the bed, his movements deft and sure, practiced, and Dan tried not to think about why Phil was so good at this, about all those times he'd heard moans and cries from this room, all those different people Phil had brought home over the years. He wasn't thinking about that right now. Right now, he had Phil to himself, probably for the only time, and he wasn't going to waste it on angsting over the past or future.

"I want you to fuck me," Dan panted, arching his body up beneath Phil's to get more contact. "God, please!"

Phil pulled back a bit to look into Dan's face, looking uncertain. "Are you sure? Because we don't have to…"

Dan shook his head hard, pressing his hands into Phil's shoulder blades to pull him closer in desperation. "Please! Don't make me ask again. Don't make me beg for it. I want you inside me." Then their mouths met again and Dan wasn't sure if it was he or Phil who had initiated the kiss that time. It was wet and hungry, and it seemed like Phil was touching him everywhere, like Phil's hands were everywhere but where he wanted them most.

Then Phil was leaning away to reach into the bedside table, pulling out lube and condoms, and Dan was drunk enough to say, "We don't need those. The condoms, I mean. I want to feel you inside me, really feel you, not some bloody latex."

Phil became completely still at that and looked into Dan's face again. "We **do** need them, Dan. I'm always careful, and I'm sure you are too, but I would never risk you like that. Especially not **you**." And he pressed his hands to Dan's cheeks and pressed gentle kisses to his eyelids, his entire tone changing abruptly. "Don't you know how important you are to me?"

"Not important enough," Dan muttered, turning his face away.

"What does that mean?" Phil asked, clearly confused, but Dan just shook his head again.

"Never mind. It doesn't mean anything. I'm just drunk and I'm not thinking clearly and … just forget I said anything. Of course we should use a condom. I'm sorry. I … I just wanted … if it's only going to be this once … but I'm just … I'm just really drunk and I wasn't thinking. Pretend I didn't say it."

Phil seemed unsure, but Dan stroked his hands down to take the globes of Phil's ass in his hands and squeezed, thrusting up at the same time, and Phil's eyes fluttered shut in pleasure.

"Let me stretch you first," Phil said, and his voice was gentle again, which hurt Dan's heart. He almost couldn't deal with Phil being gentle. Was he like this with everyone he fucked? Did his voice always go low and soft like that, like he cared? But he tried to dismiss the thoughts from his mind and just focus on the current moment, on Phil above him, on Phil's slick fingers stroking along the outer rim of his hole and waiting for him to relax before one slipped inside.

The feeling of someone else there was unfamiliar and a little odd, but this was Phil inside him and Dan couldn't be anything but glad about that and so he let himself open to the gentle touch. When Phil inserted a second finger, Dan felt no pain but only a slight stretch, and the friction around his sensitive entrance made him close his eyes as he tried not to writhe at the sensation.

Before he knew it, Phil was easily moving three fingers in and out of him, stroking along his inner walls and occasionally brushing against his prostate in a way that felt light years better than when Dan had done it to himself. Dan was grasping at Phil's back again, feeling the sweat that beaded his skin, hoping that meant Phil was as eager and desperate as he was. "Now," Dan rasped. "Please."

Phil's face filled his vision as he placed a pillow under Dan's ass and lined himself up, the head of his cock resting an excruciating moment at the rim of Dan's hole before he slowly slid inside, lifting Dan's legs a bit to improve the angle. Because of course Phil knew how to do that. No, stop thinking about how Phil knew what to do. Just feel him. Feel Phil inside him, moving slowly now, sliding carefully in and out, but Dan didn't want him to be careful. Dan wanted him to lose control, to feel as out of control as Dan felt.

Dan began to move his hips in time with Phil's thrusts, rising to meet him as best he could with how Phil was holding him. Phil's eyes fluttered closed again and he made a noise low in his throat. Triumph flared in Dan at making Phil look and sound like that. "Yes," Dan grunted. "Yes, fuck me, just like that. You feel so good inside me." And Phil's eyes when they opened looked a little wild, which pushed Dan closer to the edge which had seemed remote only moments ago. Oh god. Phil was going to come inside him. Okay, inside a condom inside him, but still inside him.

Phil's thrusts increased in speed and force, but he gazed into Dan's face and his eyes were so beautiful and Dan almost thought he saw love there but tried not to think about it too much. This was probably the only time this would ever happen and he needed to make the most of it. He reached a hand to the back of Phil's head and pulled him down to ravage his mouth while their bodies continued to move together with greater and greater intensity. Phil's cock was hitting his prostate with every second or third thrust and Dan was beginning to feel like he couldn't take much more.

"Are you okay?" Phil whispered to him and Dan nodded quickly, clutching at Phil's back and responding hoarsely, "Going to come soon…" Phil nodded and angled his thrusts so that he was hitting Dan's prostate more frequently, causing Dan to throw his head back in pleasure. He groaned aloud, trying not to think of how many times he'd heard noises like this coming from Phil's room, trying not to think about anything but Phil's cock inside him and Phil's lips on his throat, Phil's tongue on his skin, the whisper of Phil's breath against his lips when he leaned in for a panting kiss.

And then the waves of pleasure built and crashed and he was coming, unaware of what he was doing with his hands or his voice or his face or anything else, aware only of the ecstasy throbbing through him as he spurted between their bellies and Phil continued to thrust inside him, his thrusts growing erratic but faster until Phil stiffened above him and Dan knew he was coming too. He'd made Phil come. It might be only this one time, but he finally had what he'd wanted for so many years, Phil above him, inside him, loving him with his body if not with his heart. Not the way Dan really wanted, but still in a way that he'd previously only dreamed about.

After a long moment of stillness and tension, Phil's body seemed to collapse, nearly falling on top of Dan but managing to catch himself at the last minute. He rested on his elbows and pressed soft lips to Dan's cheeks, and Dan realized there were tears there and cursed himself for unconsciously betraying so much.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked again, his voice still soft and so gentle.

"Yeah," Dan croaked and then cleared his throat. "That was just … intense."

Phil huffed out a laugh and said, "You could say that." And then he was carefully pulling out of Dan's body and rolling to his side, taking care of the condom before pressing warm and sweat-slick against Dan's side, stroking a hand down Dan's chest in a way Dan hated, because he couldn't help but picture Phil languid like this with a dozen other lovers in a post-sex haze.

"I want to ask you about something," Phil said hesitantly, his voice quiet in the aftermath of their passion. "About what you said. About not wanting a condom."

Dan stiffened with tension, remembering how he had wanted to feel Phil's skin sliding inside him and had let that wanting out in unconsidered words. "I told you to forget I said that," he ground out nervously.

"I can't forget it," Phil apologized quietly. "I mean … you're always safe, right? You always use condoms? Because … I want you to be safe, Dan. I don't want anything to happen to you."

Dan turned his head away. "It's not an issue," he said gruffly.

"What do you mean it's not an issue?" Phil asked in obvious confusion. "Of course it's an issue. It's a bloody important issue!"

Dan turned to look at him and had no idea what expression was on his own face when he admitted softly, "The only other person I've ever been with hadn't been with anyone else. So it wasn't an issue."

"But…" Phil looked distressed now. "Surely you've … I mean … I know you don't bring people here, but I assumed…"

Dan turned his face away again and said simply, "You assumed wrong."

Phil didn't say anything for a long time, but the hand that had been stroking Dan's chest rose up to run through Dan's sweat-slicked hair. He was sure it was curling all over the place and looked ridiculous, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He'd just admitted the truth to Phil, and he had no idea what Phil was thinking now.

"Why?" Phil asked softly. "Obviously, you could have anyone you want. Why haven't you…"

"Because I couldn't have the person I wanted," Dan replied shortly, still facing away.

The silence dragged on painfully long this time. Dan sighed. "Don't worry. I don't expect anything from you. I know this was just a one-time thing. And it was good … really good. Wonderful, really. You're very good at this. I mean … I didn't mean that to sound like that. But I'm just still kind of drunk and you just pretty much fucked my brains out and I'm not thinking very clearly but we'll be fine, really, and I really need a shower, so I think I'm just going to go."

He tried to roll over to get out of the bed, but felt one of his hands grasped by one of Phil's, staying him. He worked up enough courage to glance over at Phil's face, which looked unbearably sad. "Why didn't you ever say anything?" Phil asked softly.

Dan looked away again and took a breath that seemed to rest painfully in his lungs. "Because I knew it wouldn't matter. I know you don't do relationships. I see how you are, with all these different guys and girls, but tonight I got to have you for myself, just for once, and that's enough for me." That was a lie, but it was a lie that could save the most important relationship in his life. He didn't want to lose Phil's friendship over this.

Phil slowly, carefully pulled Dan toward him, wrapping an arm around his body and pressing them together again. Dan's body was tense, but Phil felt soft against him. "I've never really done relationships," Phil said quietly, and Dan nodded. He knew that. "But … I could … try. With you. If you want."

Dan looked into Phil's face and saw uncertainty there, a lack of confidence he wasn't used to seeing on those beautiful features. Dan frowned. "Why would you do that? That's not … you. I know that. I'm okay with that. Really."

Phil held Dan tighter. "Because I love you, you idiot. I always have. But I'm afraid of fucking things up between us. I'm afraid I won't do this right. You're the one with the experience at this stuff. **Relationship** stuff. You'll have to help me out." He hesitated. "If you want to, that is."

Dan realized he'd been holding his breath and let it out in a sudden huff. "Um … not what I was expecting from tonight! And I think I'm still sort of drunk. But … did you just say that you want to try … being in a relationship with me? Like … not bringing people home. Not … not being with other people at all?"

Phil nodded, leaning over to kiss Dan's cheek delicately. "I love you, Dan. If we can make this work, I don't want anyone else."

Dan felt dazed. "Uh … okay. I mean … more than okay! Yes, of course we can try! I love you, too!"

Phil glanced away, looking awkward, and said quietly, "And in a few months I can get tested again, when enough time has passed, and if I'm clean we can do this again … I mean, we can do it again sooner than that, right away if you want … but I mean we could do it … without the condom. I've never done that, actually."

Dan goggled. "You've never had sex without a condom?"

Phil looked uncomfortable. "It's never been anything but casual, so … no. I was always safe. And there was never anyone … like you. But I'd like to be able to have that with you. When we know it's safe."

Dan leaned over to place a kiss on Phil's lips and whispered, "I'd like that, too. Very much."

Phil smiled, and Dan couldn't help but lean in for another kiss, this one lingering, saying everything he couldn't say with words, everything about how much this meant to him and how long he'd waited. And Phil's kiss seemed to say he was sorry, that he wanted more for their future, that there was more in his heart than Dan knew. When their lips eventually parted, they smiled softly at each other.

"You should drink some water," Phil said out of nowhere. "It might help with the hangover."

Dan groaned. "Don't remind me. But yeah, I should go get some water. And then I really do need a shower."

"Want some company?" Phil asked hesitantly, clearly trying out this "relationship" stuff and not sure if he was doing it right.

Dan grinned a dimply smile and said, "I'd love some."


End file.
